Obsession - A Journal (Part 2)

3rd July

THE morning sunlight slanted in through the window, scattering patterns of light and shade on the porch. The newspaper was heavy in my hands, as I sipped at my morning dose of caffeine and took in the indifferent news - cabinet reshuffle on the front page, innings defeat in the sports column.“What time did you get back last night?” asked Anitha, swinging her legs from her perch on the bench.“I don’t know, da. Around two o’clock, I think” I said, the strong smell of coffee intoxicating in the cool morning air.“I was up till one last night waiting for you. Finally put your dinner back into the fridge and went to sleep.” she hesitated. “I was trying to call you for a while, but your phone was switched off.”“Sorry, Ani. I was in the meeting with Sharma and the others. Did not want to be disturbed” I said, the lies coming easily. “We ordered some pizzas and I wasn’t very hungry after that”“Pooja’s school play is today. Will you be able to get off early?” Her eyes were wide, looking at me intently. “She will be really happy if you can make it.”“Sure, da. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Tell you what - I will drop her to school today. She will be delighted with that.” I smiled. “And all of us will go to her favorite Pizza place after the play, what do you say?”Her soft eyes lit up in happiness, “Wow! It’s been a long while. Let me go wake her up. There is one kid who will happily go to school today”

THE gecko on the ceiling was stationary, it had not moved for what seemed an eternity. I dreamily willed the gecko to make the kill, it had had the moth in its sights for quite a while, but it seemed in no hurry to do it. I gave up the vigil after a while, lifted my head and turned to look at her sleeping beside me, the long hair ruffled on the pillow. In the dim light her body looked like it was sculpted in marble, and the long legs, entwined in mine, seemed to extend indefinitely. I lay back and thought about the recent days and even more recent nights which had passed as in a dream. Whatever she lacked in experience, she made it up with enthusiasm; and youth and nature were very willing tutors. She learned fast and took me to peaks of ecstasy, from which the descent was deliriously slow, her hands firmly in mine and her incandescent body glued to mine like a second skin.‘This is my first time, please be gentle with me,’ she had said the first night, her body trembling under my suddenly nervous hands. It was the second or third night, when it had suddenly struck me. ‘god, priya. we haven’t been taking any protection!’ She soothed my fears and caressed my cheeks with warm long fingers and told me, ‘don’t worry. I have an ovarian problem and cannot conceive, that’s why I go for the frequent checkups which you keep asking about. natural family planning at work,’ she had smiled, a little sadly.I turned and looked at her again and found her awake, her eyes intently watching me, that half smile playfully gracing her lips.“It’s late and you want to go, right?” she whispered her fingers tracing patterns on my cheeks.“Yes, Sweetie. You know that. Another long day ahead tomorrow” I said, getting up and reaching for my clothes.“Thank you for all these wonderful moments. It has been sheer magic the last few nights.” she said huskily, stopping on her knees as she got up. “What I want more than anything is having you beside me for the rest of my life”I looked at her as I put on my shoes. “Priya, you do know that this not going anywhere, don’t you? No impossible dreams, please. I am in no position to offer you any commitment or anything of that sort” I said softly“I know, Sumeet.” she whispered, her eyes averted “You have told me this several times. I wouldn’t do anything to come between you and Anitha and Pooja.”

“DO you realize what time it is, Sumeet?” asked Anitha as I opened the door and let myself in. She was sitting at the table, her eyes red-rimmed as she looked at me.“I am sorry, da” I said tiredly “Another long meeting. We are trying to finish the Client’s order by tomorrow”“You completely forgot about Pooja’s programme” she said accusingly. Damn, that had completely slipped my mind! “She was crying the whole way back and went to bed crying. And you had switched off you phone again today” now Anitha was crying.“I know you are lying to me, Sumeet” she sobbed. “I met Sanjeev in the school. He had no idea about any meeting that you were having so late.”“Ani, I am really sorry, da. We did have a meeting. Sanjeev was not part of that and that is why he had no idea about that.” I held her close and stroked her head. I hated myself, the sand I was stuck in was getting quicker and all the escape hatches were shutting one by one.

26th July

THE swollen clouds were dark and heavy, reflecting my somber mood, and there was a gentle breeze blowing. The kids playing tennis kept glancing at the clouds and good naturedly yelled at one another. The silence that hung around the house was loud with the unsaid words that I could see was waiting to deluge us. I had stayed home during the weekend, spent time with Pooja, swam in the pool with her and played with her friends. But the chasm was growing and I had let it grow; torn between a ship heading for shore and a kite soaring in the heady winds with gay abandon, unfettered by any strings. Take the difficult decision, Sumeet, there is only one way to go, I told my selfish self. Put on the blinds and stride down that painful lane, it was a bitter thought.
I slowly drove out the complex and past the gaggle of college girls and army men marching in formation. The grey edifice that was the office loomed fast in the windscreen, foreboding and suddenly making me feel unwelcome at the same time. After the school boyish excitement and feverish expectations of the last few weeks, getting into the office and meeting the crowd was something that I was not looking forward to at all. She was not at her desk; I saw from the corner of my eye, the computer screen a dark, somber monument in tune with the emptiness around it. The Boss wants to meet you - Murali mouthed, as soon as he saw me.“Sumeet, I don’t know how to tell you this,” said Sharma, looking very uncomfortable. “But I think it is better that I tell you rather than you hearing this from somebody else.”“What is it, Sharmaji?” I asked, suddenly apprehensive. I had never seen Sharma in this mood and a feeling of dread, icily cloaked my insides.“It’s about you and Priyanka,” he burst out. “Shit, Sumeet, cant you be more indiscreet about your love life. After all she reports to you. The whole world is piling onto me and accusing me of compromising our position here by letting you guys run wild.”“I am sorry, Boss. I promise that I will take care.” I said looking into his eyes. “You will have nothing to worry about from now on.”

SHE still had not got in, I noticed as I went to my cubicle and extricated my laptop from its battered case. Though a little embarrassed and hot under the collar, I was relieved after the meeting with Sharma. Things were crystallizing now - time to turn around the clock and set all the cogs in working order again. Then I heard the quick patter of high heeled slippers and she came into view quickly, her face aglow with excitement, her hair tossed around and her skin flushed. “Sumeet, I need to talk to you urgently,” her whisper was loud in the morning quiet. Though her eyes flashed, she looked a mess - mascara smeared and bindi out of place – as she leaned over the partition.“Can’t you see I am busy,” I hissed back harshly not wanting to be seen talking to her after the recent interview with Sharma. The quick hurt in her eyes vanished fast when I indicated the phone to tell her I would call her at her desk. “Priya, I need to talk to you. I don’t think we can continue like this and we need to put a stop to this like I have told you we need to, someday. I think the time has come and there only seems to be a dead end ahead. We need to stop seeing each other” I spoke in a rush, surprised at the torrent of words that came out unrehearsed and unprepared.“Ya, ya, even I want to talk to you about something important.” She had not listened to a word I had said. “Can you drop me off home this evening, and then we will talk?”“Sure thing,” I said, suddenly relieved, better to get it over face to face.

MY friend, the gecko had found a companion. The two of them were looking at each other myopically about a millimeter apart from each other. Miniature moths and other insects were bravely hovering inches away, but the two geckos seemed to be engrossed in some strong, telepathic conversation of their own. She came out of the bathroom, wiping her hands on the towel, inclined her head and smiled at me. The palpable excitement had overtly died down, but two pink spots high on her cheeks were testimony to some strong emotion running through her.“Ok, sweetheart. What did you want to talk about?” she sat down and rubbed her arms briskly.“You go first, Priya. Whatever you have to say, going by your excitement, obviously cannot wait, so let’s get it over before we move to the serious stuff.” I smiled at her, pacing about, fidgeting with the keys in my pocket, wanting to get the whole thing over as fast as possible.“I don’t know if you would consider it as serious as what you have to say.” She said, looking down, her long legs crossed over. She seemed to be searching for the right words. “I’ve wanted to tell you, since morning, that you are going to be a father all over again.”“What was that again?” I stopped pacing and turned and looked at her carefully.“You heard me, Sumeet” she said quietly, lifting her head to look at me, her eyes glowing with an unnatural brightness.
to be contd

Obsession - A Journal (Part 1)

6th June

THERE was a throbbing in my head and my eyes ached and burned. The computer screen was a blur. The long hours are catching up, I thought, I need a long break, which I knew was not likely in the near future.“Sumeet, just a second, please,” I lifted my head up from my laptop, a little irritated, and looked at Rajesh, “I just want to introduce Nituj and Priyanka, who have joined today as Management Trainees.”The words did not register fully, as my mind continued to grapple with the data on the monitor. My glance shifted to the couple standing beside Rajesh. The boy looked nervous and gave a weak smile; the girl was haughtily examining my cubicle, which on that saturday afternoon was more messed up than on other days.Rajesh was the HR manager and a good soul. He smiled “Sorry, Sumeet. I know you guys are busy, but I am taking these kids on the rounds to meet everybody.”“Hi guys. Welcome to the corporate jungle.” I said politely, as I stood up and shook hands. He was a skinny runt, she was as tall as me and her grip was firm and confident. “Since you guys are going to be around and I have hell breaking loose on Monday, would appreciate if we got to know each other at leisure. Ok?” I smiled.“Sure, Sir. We will spend some time with you next week, if that is ok with you?” said Nituj. He smiled, while the girl, clearly her interest in the introductions were minimal, scanned the half empty office.“Rajesh, could you arrange a computer for me from where I could access my Yahoo mail.” her voice had the breathless yet childish tones of one who was still undergoing the transformation from a kid to an adult.

GOD, I am beat, I thought an hour later, the need for a smoke and a whiz, overpowering. I stood up, stretched and ambled towards the corridor when I saw her sitting at Shalini’s PC. Good looking kid, I thought. She did not lift her head up as I went by; engrossed in typing out what seemed to be a lengthy mail, but I caught a fragrance of jasmine in the air.In the men’s, I peered at my saturday stubble, Shit, should have shaved today! A couple of grey hairs were also creeping on the right temple. Growing old, buddy! I told myself as I walked back to my cubicle; the halfway point in your life, 36 years old, time to stop those roving eyes!The presentation did not seem too interesting anymore, not that it was in the first place, but now I couldn’t concentrate, too. I leaned back in my chair and examined her more closely. She had long, black hair, which was lying in waves on her shoulders. Her arms were long and slender, and the plain cotton white blouse that she wore made them seem even longer. The saree was simple cotton, worn in a casual though expert way. Intelligent face, high cheekbones, a slightly pinched look around the lips. Lovely ,clear, alabaster skin. Narrow eyebrows which were furrowed as she read something on the screen in front of her.“Hey Buddy!” The thud on my shoulder almost made me topple over. It was Sanjeev, the head of the testing team and a good friend. “If you keep leching at all the women in the office and not concentrate on finishing the presentation, these guys are going to have our ass next week.”“Man, have no fear... It’s almost done. Will do the final tweaking by Monday. Let us catch up for a Beer tonight, what do you say?” I said as I started packing up for the day.

10th June

THE branches of the tree whispered and the leaves rustled in the strong breeze, as I moodily looked through it, leaning on the balcony wall. I was tired and it had been a hectic two weeks.“Ahh Man! That was tough. Good the presentations went of well and the brass is happy with our plans.” I sighed as I took a long drag on the cigarette. “You are right da, Tough days ahead too!” said Sanjeev, cleaning his glasses. “How’s the family taking all these late nights and seven day weeks?”“Anitha is cool. But managing the two kids is tough on her too. It’s good she is taking a break from work. Have asked her to get her Mom here for a while.” I said leaning over the balcony wall, not looking forward to the unavoidable visit from the in-laws.“Good Afternoon. Sir.” I turned around and my breath caught in my throat. God, she is beautiful, I thought. The black formal trousers and the off white shirt, made her look even taller.“Sharma asked me to request you to give us the data files and the source codes of project Phoenix. We just want to take a look at them” She was smiling today. It lit her face up and made her look about sixteen years old.“Sure, ask Murali to give it to you. Tell him I said so.” I hesitated, “and later if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.”‘Ooh . . . that is great, Sir! Can we have some time with you for discussions once you are free?” she asked, indicating my almost burnt out cigarette.“You could discuss with all concerned regarding Phoenix and then spend time with me regarding any doubts is what I meant,” I corrected her. “And stop calling me ‘Sir’, my name is Sumeet.”

“SHARMA is Chief and I will call you Mischief.” she said, her eyes twinkling in the chandelier lights. We were having dinner at the Taj in honor of the visiting dignitaries. Sanjeev had just deserted me from our vantage location near the Bar and I was just finishing my third drink when she appeared by my side with a glass of orange juice in her hand.“Very funny,” I laughed. “Lady, you need to watch your mouth. You are bound to get into trouble if you let it run away from you!”“Oh, I’ve been observing you for the last couple of days. I know beneath that stern mask that you put on there is an amusing, mischievous person. At times there seems to be a reckless madness in your eyes which is just waiting to burst out.” she said with her eyes looking into mine, a little worried that she had spoken so much, I guess.“Yeah, sure. I hire my masks from the costumier who provides stuff for the movie crowd!” I looked around for Sanjeev, wanting to leave. “Could you drop me off at my hotel, please?” she quickly finished her drink and placed the glass on the table.“Sure.” I said. I gave a thumbs up to Sharma as I moved towards the door to indicate to him I was leaving.“7.30 tomorrow, my dear brother.” he said happily. “And get your brother Sanjeev too. I think he has had one too many to drink and has passed out in the toilet. Bloody drunkards the lot of you!”“Done thing, Boss.” I smiled as I shut the door behind me. The difficult days at work were alleviated to a large extent by having an understanding boss like Sharma.

“SO how are you enjoying the transition from being a student to a professional?” I asked, honking to get a cyclist out of the way. He seemed drunk and shook his hand at me as I passed by. “I am fine. I am just finding it a little hard coping with staying away from home. First time I am staying away from my folks. Both are doctors, but both had enough time to spend with me and my brother as we were growing up. I really miss them.” her voice was a little husky with emotion. “Anyway forget about that. Tell me about yourself. How many kids do you have?”“Two - a daughter and a son.” I said briefly. Somehow I did not want to talk too much about my family with her. “Priya, Let us catch up for Dinner one of these nights if you are not too busy that is. I will show you the sights of our beautiful city.” I realized I had spoken before I could think about the wisdom of the whole matter.“Sure, Mischief. I would love that. Good Night and thanks for the lift.” she said as she slid those long legs of hers out of the car.

22nd June

THE cool breeze rippled across the water, making the reflected starlight dance and in the distance there was the sound of a motorbike moving away from us. She hugged her knees tight as I looked at her, a faint smile lifting the corners of her mouth, her skin glowing in the dark. I leaned back on the windscreen and stretched my legs on the bonnet. “Sing me another song,” she asked. “one more of the Cliff Richard numbers. Please, Mischief. I love the way your voice brings out the emotions in the songs.”“Beg your pardon, Ma’am. I have exhausted my complete repertoire of singable songs, if you know what I mean. I can sing in Tamil, but I don’t know if you would get the meaning. Anyway, do you think it is getting late and it’s time we went back?” I asked getting off the car and packing up the leftover food.“No, please! Some more time, it’s earlier than last night,” she pleaded throwing her head back and running her fingers through her long hair. Her breasts tautened against her t-shirt when she leant back and I felt desire flaring through me again.

THE last week had run on a similar pattern. I would get a call from her around 7.00 or 7.30 in the evening, three tables away and a whispered voice would ask me if I was free to drop her at her house. The drive to her house would be a review of the day’s activities and plans for the forthcoming launch and her progress reports and Nituj’s issues with his training manager. She would have ordered dinner from a restaurant near her house and we would pick it up and then the long drives would happen on the highways and dark deserted roads. One night we had come across this lake on one of the side roads and it had become a regular halt for the last few nights. There was a small rise on the western part of the lake where we parked the car and sitting on the bonnet, we would talk till late into the night. We talked about books and music and laughed, reminiscing college days and friends we had known and sang songs till our throats hurt. We sang songs forgotten since my childhood days and she would join in that squeaky/husky voice when she knew the lyrics.I was rapidly losing control, I knew. I shouldn’t be doing this, I kept telling myself, but I was slowly losing myself in her soft, dark eyes. Her translucent skin, the long legs and the flat belly flitted around in my thoughts, day and night, and I did not know what to do about it.

OUTSIDE her house, I switched off the engine and looking into the smiling face, I took her soft hand with the long, long fingers, in mine.“Priya, there is something that I want to tell you, been wanting to tell you for the last two days.” I took a deep breath and said, “I know it is wrong, but I have to tell you this. I think I am falling in love with you and I don’t know what to do about it.” I did not look at her, somehow my courage failing me.“I know, Mischief.” Her hands pressed mine firmly. ‘Don’t worry about it. We will talk about it tomorrow. But don’t let that stop you from spending time with me. I haven’t been so comfortable with anybody in my entire life and just because of this, I don’t want to destroy what we have.”I watched her as she climbed up the stairs and at the top she stopped to wave at me as I turned and drove home with the smell of jasmine, strong and powerful inside the car.

(to be continued)